Wednesday, January 23, 2013

In my four walls...

Looking back, I wish that the girl of 19 had half the cajones of the woman of 30. Eleven years later and I think back to the professor who stood behind his lecturn, ran his hands through his hair, and pointed his finger, insulting those of us who dared to believe in something higher.
 
He called us...no me...out for daring to see design in complexity. He labeled me a fool for seeing purpose in the tiniest of cellular mechanisms. He flung my faith in my face and claimed that he was god in these four walls and his word truth.
 
Those words cut to the very core of who I was and while my heart screamed silently, my jaw clamped shut.
 
It has been ten years and living and learning have strengthened my heart and my jaw. If I could go back, I would climb behind that lecturn, hand on my belly, running my fingers through my hair, finger pointed in his face....
"Teach me, but do not lay claim to me."
 
"Show me the delicate balance between mitochondria and cellular function and how my life literally hangs on that balance. Teach me about DNA and how a simple chain of molecules can be responsible for all known forms of life. Talk to me about the complexity of the cell and show me slide after slide of subcellular organisms that work together in perfect harmony and work with each other and then bind together to form organs and bones and muscles that must in turn work together. You contribute it to cosmic chaos if you want, but as for me...."
 
"You see, I'm carrying the result of your cosmic chaos inside of me and it is anything but chaotic. My entire belly jumps with the force of wiggles and squirms that get stronger as the day wears on. Tiny hands and feet struggle with stomach and kidneys for room to stretch and explore. A little head bumps against bladder sending me for unscheduled and inconvenient bathroom breaks. (Oh, and that head? A single strand of your accidental DNA will determine thick curls or flowing locks, and I can't wait to see which.)
There are nights when sleep is sporadic as mother and child toss and turn to find the space in which both can sleep comfortably."
 
"I sometimes put hand to belly still in disbelief that the thing inside of me is already a person. She has a heart, lungs, a stomach, kidneys, the tiniest of brains. She has a face and a name and I can hear her heart beat one hundred and forty-five times each minute, more than twice the speed of her mother's."
 
"So you will excuse me, sir, as I listen and learn, respectfully acknowledging the years of work and study that have resulted in your body of knowledge.
But...
You do not own my mind and you have no claim on my heart.
I will continue to see purpose, creation, and intelligence in what you call cosmic chaos."  
 
"It is my right. The right of a man and a woman to determine for themselves who is God in their four walls."  
 
 


10 comments:

  1. Beautifully and lovingly written Marcie ...

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  2. You are beautiful. This lucky lass will be born into the waiting arms of a man and woman who will give her so much love she will blossom and grow and become. I cannot wait to see this beautiful new soul you are harboring safely to be introduced to the world. Enjoy the day! Erin

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  3. I had a similar experience in college; I still get mad! Beautifully written!!!!!!

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  4. Well said! I've always thought that while science can explain the tiniest of things it can not explain the miracle of the love, especially love for your child who is yet to come into the world.

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  5. I, too, still carry the words of a college drawing instructor. In my head I know what she was going after but in my heart, it's a completely different burden. Child, that was 41 years ago. Lovely post :: lynn

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